ChildDrenched: Making the Decision to Adopt Amidst Other Choices
Having children is not easy for millions of women and their partners. The lifelong dream of the “picture perfect” family transitions to an ongoing, frustrating situation beyond the control of even the best infertility doctors. Wanting children and not being able to conceive or maintain a viable pregnancy creates an emotional phenomenon I call “ChildDrenched: Drowning in the Passionate Need for a Child”. Each passing month brings an excruciating blend of impatience and sadness. There is no doubt in my mind that infertility is a disease and sometimes requires seeking alternatives through scientific or legal methods.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention, reported that about 10% of women (more than 6 million) in the United States ages 18–44 years have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant. This is an overwhelming number of frustrated women. The good news is that options available to those who choose to give up trying on their own have grown significantly. Infertility doctors are getting smarter and the technology is getting better. Many women turn to intrauterine insemination (IUI) often called artificial insemination or the more complicated assisted reproductive technology (ART). There are many different kinds of ART, including in vitro fertilization (IVF) which is the most commonly known, and has been around for over 30 years. IVF works by removing eggs from a woman’s body. The eggs are then mixed with sperm to make embryos which are then put back in the woman’s body. The CDC reported in 2010 that over 60,000 infants were born using IVF. Success rates of IVF range from as high as 42% in women younger than 35 years of age all the way down to 5% in women aged 43–44 years. Unfortunately, by the time a woman truly understands her infertility problem, she is typically in her 30s and pregnancy success rates keep falling from there.
My fertility went haywire two years after the birth of our second child at 35 years old and striving for a third child was extremely frustrating. We tried IVF twice with no success. We also became pregnant “by accident” twice but neither pregnancy lasted beyond eight weeks. By the time I was 39 years old, I was truly ChildDrenched. We adopted “the best puppy in the whole wide world” hoping to quench my thirst for motherhood (again) but sadly, I still felt cheated out of my third child. We looked into surrogacy since our “reproductive mechanics” were still available to us. We worried about finding someone we could trust to carry our baby and how many embryos to implant. For many couples (particularly those with one or no children at all), it is an excellent solution to infertility. Making the choice between having multiple births vs. no pregnancy at all was a hefty decision we chose to avoid. So we opted out of surrogacy, despite its growing popularity at the time.
My husband and I settled on adoption. Adoption is not the best alternative for all couples facing infertility, but for us, it was the perfect answer to our prayers. There were no science-related decisions and aside from exerting some patience and emotional concern, the physical hardship was non-existent. Given my age, this was the big plus. My ability to carry a child had clearly come to an end and I was thrilled to let a younger woman enjoy that privilege, as long as she was willing to let us raise the baby.
Finding a birthmother with the qualities and background we were looking for, who would also choose us to be the parents of her child, was the challenge. Beyond that first hurdle, we were warned about the countless risks and possible outcomes (good and bad) after finding a birthmother. We knew early in the adoption process that emotionally, adoption was a challenge. But now, after ten years <read more>
Robbin Miller, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Advocate
9:53 am on Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Adoption is a wonderful choice for parents who are not able to have children on their own. I adopted a handsome little boy three years ago after waiting for five years to do so. I am so blessed as the waiting to adopt a child is behind me.
Jim Rizoli
10:37 am on Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I notice many Americans adopt out of the country, WHY?
Jim@ccfiiile.com
Paul Bishop
11:16 am on Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Jim, because some people care more about adopting a child than what color or ethnicity it may be. It's not about race. Living on hate like you do, understanding unconditional love of a child is beyond you.
As an adoptee, I do need to raise an important point, particularly given my incurable genetic illness: Adoptees NEED the right to medical and identifying information of their biological parents. Sealed adoption to "save face" or "remove the stigma" is a death sentence to adoptees if they need critical family history and medical information. I suffer immensely because I cannot be given whole classes of medications for my disease, because I have no way to provide family histories, making those treatments very risky. I also don't know what other genetic timebombs may be waiting. I don't know if there's cancer, heart disease, or anything else waiting for me, like most people.
Adoptee's Rights don't get mentioned often enough. It's not cute and lovable when a child is suffering or dies due to the desire for "privacy" from the biological parents.
UglyHat
12:02 pm on Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Hi Paul, This is very interesting and I’m sure it is very dangerous and scary for many adoptees. I’m sorry for your struggle.
I am not an adoptee and have never adopted a child so I have no experience with any of this. But I can’t help but wonder if there were restrictions against sealed adoption how many expecting parents would choose to abort a pregnancy rather than face the “stigma”.
Paul Bishop
12:58 pm on Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Many states have changed their laws in the forty five years since I was born, in southern California. Twelve miles from the Mexican border, in fact. I'm the product of a couple of kids that got into the summer of love a few months ahead of schedule. I understand, of course, why they might want to put the event behind them.
Unfortunately, the way the law stands, even though the adoption agency knows of my dilemma, they cannot even inform my biological parents that I am trying to find them... and have been trying to for over a decade, due to need for medical records. Worse, due to a historic fire in the early seventies, the actual birth records of thousands of adoptees from California were lost- leaving the legally handcuffed adoption agencies the only ones with actual records. Due to the fact they can be sued for releasing this information, they simply don't.
I am a great case study as to why adoptees must be given identifying information of their biological parents automatically at age 21, or earlier if the agency involved in the adoption is petitioned giving reasonable cause (such as medical need).
UglyHat
4:09 pm on Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I understand your dilemma; it is a terrible situation to be sure. I’m just not sure I agree with you.
Isn’t it better that these children are being born and adopted even with the risks you describe rather than have them (even if it’s only some of them) go unborn because we no longer respect the privacy of the parents.
Don’t the ‘Baby Safe Zones’ like emergency rooms and police stations allow you to drop off a baby with no questions asked? If that is the case, there would be no one to petition for files because the files would not exist.
I do agree that you seem to be a great case study for this topic.
Jim Rizoli
3:35 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Paul you said...."Jim, because some people care more about adopting a child than what color or ethnicity it may be. It's not about race. Living on hate like you do, understanding unconditional love of a child is beyond you"
Boy are you out of line here! My comment had nothing to do about race.
It had to do with how many kids in the U.S. are adoptable and why do people go elsewhere when they couldn't be adopting here. Paul you might want to lighten up here, and put your on "Hate Agenda" aside.
Jim@ccfiile.com
Joe Rizoli
9:38 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
I think Jim would be a great adoptee.
His understanding of all racial issues and their impact on society would impart tremendous insight to any child in spite of some opinions here.
If any woul like to discuss this please leave a call here.
508-875-0835
Joe Rizoli
Paul Bishop
9:38 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Jim, I am well aware of what you meant. Your agenda has been made clear, on every post, on every subject, on every available place to comment, for years. This isn't about illegal aliens, so please move on. Please.
As for the Safe Haven drops, clearly it is posturing for appearances sake. In reality, though the law was enacted in 2004, it only actually gets used less than three times per year statewide. It took until Christmas Day of 2010, six years, for the fifteenth baby to be dropped off under this law... and to be clear, I consider the law a direct assault on adoptee's rights.
UglyHat
9:02 am on Friday, July 27, 2012
I understand you consider it a direct assault on adoptees rights. But the question remains…do you consider safe havens and other protections available to parents better or worse than aborted pregnancies or discarded babies? Because that is what these measures attempt to prevent.